Marital issues

Travis Shanna wedding 008-A

Hawaii.

David and I are having problems with our marriage.  This has nothing to do with our children.  It has a lot to do with us as a married couple.

One of the reasons why I wanted to divorce David was financial.  He thinks nothing of spending $25,000 on his dental crowns, but goes ballistics when he is asked to buy and install grab bars for the shower.  He even yelled and screamed at me when I went to the ER in an ambulance.  The co-pay for the ambulance was $99 and he did not want to pay it.

Do you blame me for wanting to divorce this miserly man?  Does he sound like a man who is in love with his wife?  Why couldn’t he have said, “Hi honey, how are you feeling?”  Instead, he yelled at me for calling the ambulance.  One week later, I underwent surgery, so obviously my condition was serious.

Anyway, we have decided to stay together as a married couple for now.  We already have separate savings accounts, and the money I give my daughter and sister will come out of my savings, not David’s.

We now intend to create separate checking accounts and separate credit cards.  We will split our expenses.  He will pay me half when I make out the checks to our creditors and will split the property tax and home insurance.  The rental income will go into my checking account so that I can pay the bills.  He will pay for his own surgeries and physical therapy with his own checks.

I hope this new financial arrangement helps us to remain married and keep the peace.  It is awful how money issues can damage and ruin a marriage.

There are other marital issues, as well.  Who said marriage is easy?  Would divorce be preferable?  Am I better off with him or without him?

16 Responses to “Marital issues”

  1. Joanne Says:

    This is such a surprise. Find someone who can help you understand the crisis and how to weather it. If you want do do it very privately, read reviews of counselors on the internet. Go alone if David won’t agree.

  2. Christine Says:

    Gigi, differences in how couples view money can really cause problems. I hope you and David can resolve this latest problem as you do need each other and have a lot in common, remember the opera and music

  3. TravisT Says:

    I suggest couples counseling. Shanna and I have been seeing a therapist for years now. We’ve found it really helps us to have a third and impartial person in the room to hear us out, or tell us when we’re being selfish or hurtful to one another, or when we’re being too sensitive and childish or insecure. Our therapist helps us to find ways to better communicate without offending one another, as well as reminding us to listen with grown up ears. There’s no such thing as an easy relationship. Being annoyed by your lover comes with the territory, it’s the cost of admission frankly. But remembering how and why the relationship is worth it, is the important part. I love you guys and wish you nothing but the best in life and love.

  4. Linda Reeder Says:

    This is surprising in light of all of the positive posts you have written about your good marriage. Sounds to me like you are nursing hurt feelings. Maybe you do need a third parson to help you sort this out. Slow down and don’t do anything you might later regret.

  5. palolo Says:

    Make love not war.

  6. SchmidleysScribbling Says:

    I can see you are having a bad day. David and I have trying times too, but after 31 years, we know each other’s foibles, strengths and weaknesses. Having been through divorces to men I never loved, when I am angry with David, I try to remember that I love him. Not to sound soppy, but love does conquer all, at least so far in our case.

    Also we have always maintained separate bills, checking and savings account. We have a joint account for most household bills…water, sewer, electricity, home repairs, auto and house insurance, etc. I pay the mortgage and telecommunication bills while he covers most of the groceries.

  7. Tom Sightings Says:

    I hope Dianne is right, that you’re just having a bad day. I’m no marriage counselor, but I think money problems indicate other problems as well, esp. power and control issues. But I can tell you, my sister and her husband (second marriage for both; now married close to 20 yrs.) keep completely separate financial lives and it seems to work for them. B and I keep (mostly) separate accounts as well; but then, while we’ve been together for close to 10 yrs., we’re still not married.

  8. dkzody Says:

    We’ve been married for almost 40 years and always had separate banking accounts. I spend too much money, Terry spends NONE unless it’s absolutely necessary. He pays the house utilities, taxes, and insurance. He also takes care of car insurance and road side service. I pretty much pay for everything else. We each have our own credit cards and neither of us knows what the other one owes. It’s all about trust.

    I am grateful I was forced to put money away through the school district or there wouldn’t have been a pension for retirement. I certainly understand these people who say they have to work forever because they haven’t saved anything.

    We are very fortunate that our house and cars are paid for, too. I made sure that was the case before we retired. Maintenance on the house is expensive though. We spent, from our annuities, about $10,000 last year on paint and roofing. I would really like to paint the interior, put in new windows, and new flooring. But that will just have to wait. Maybe after the grandchildren are older. They seem to put their hands on all of the walls when they visit!

  9. gigihawaii Says:

    David and I have decided to remain married, because we are better off that way. With housing being so expensive, there is no way we could afford a new place after divorce. It’s best we stay together right here in our present home.

    Anyway, 80% of the time he and I get along. 20% of the time we don’t. We are trying to focus on the 80% and remember the good times. Above all, we enjoy family life. And of course, there’s the symphony concerts that make both of us happy.

  10. Olga Says:

    Your 80-20 split is pretty good. I’d say. I would say I had a very happy marriage, but I must tell you that from the very start Mike and I split all household expenses and each paid for our own personal expenses. It was very important to me to feel that I was in control of my money even though we had very similar views and values as far as finances. We didn’t do things or buy things we could not afford, but if he wanted to spend money on antiques and I wanted to spend money on grandchildren, and we had it to spend, than no problem. I know from my 1st marriage that money matters can be a deal breaker.

  11. DeniseinVA Says:

    I hope you two can work things out. Maybe a counselor would help.

  12. Jeanie Says:

    I hope things can resolve in a positive way for you and David and that what you are feeling is more from a bad day than a long term issue.

  13. Matsu Says:

    Read this post this morning and don’t have any anwers. Marriage is hard, and we take our spouses as they are. We have differences, but it is the desire to overcome problems that is most important. You spent a good portion if your lifes together and the post retirement adjustment can be hard. In the end, forgiveness and understanding goes a long way. Life isn’t perfect, so appreciate the time together. Never talk about the nuclear option unless abuse is involved. There’s hope if you can find common ground.

    David is a good man. You are a good woman. Leave judgment on the side and appreciate that you have each other. There are many couples that squabble over money, but it’s the need to work and live with each other that makes love work. Work harder at it. Both of you.

  14. Cathy Says:

    What Matsu said – it’s hard and only you two have the answers. I can vouch for that with 52 years under my/our belt lol
    It’s really not for us to guide you, just encourage you.- remember some of us did warn you of the trauma and difficulties you might experience as you adjust to retirement. Stay true to yourself Gigi – it’s a two way street you are both walking down. Just don’t let him bully you
    Cathy

  15. M Says:

    Money is a big issue in many marriages including mines too

  16. mageb Says:

    Yes, I can see how hard that would be to live with someone like tht. Even if you love him, that must be hard. He needs to get back into counseling.

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