As a widow…

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Who would play Scrabble with me?

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These photos of David and me were taken in 2010 in our home.

One thing I learned about being separated from my husband for only three nights is that I missed cooking for him.  I found myself eating sandwiches instead of a full meal.  There was absolutely no incentive to bake a casserole, for instance.  I think that if I become a widow, I will have to invite guests to my table on a regular basis.

I would not have a roommate, though.  That would definitely mean trouble, unless he/she is perfectly compatible with me.

Sex?  I don’t need it.

Conversation?  I can always pick up the phone.

Companionship?  I would not mind a date now and then.

During his absence, I received many phone calls from David.  It was very funny to hear him talk to me about his activities at any given moment.  He needed to keep me apprised of every little thing that was going on.

You must realize that he and I have been together virtually non-stop since June 1980 when we married.  There has been no one else.

It will be very strange when one of us dies and is gone for good.  No more phone calls, no email, nothing from each other.  Nada.

As a widow, I would feel very lonely.  How do other women cope with loss?

12 Responses to “As a widow…”

  1. Grannymar Says:

    I am sorry Gigi, as someone who has been a widow for seventeen years, let me tell you that you have no incling of what the life of a widow is like. The void that is left is as if half of your own being had been goughed out of you.

    It takes years if not a lifetime to learn to live without a soulmate, to begin and end each day with. Not cooking proper meals is childish and the road to ill health. Just as sitting in a chair weeping is an insult to the memory of the love of your life. If you want to know how widowhood really feels like, have a read of The Light went out. a post that took me ten years to commit to print.

    Scrabble can be played online, I know because many of my friends do so. But the internet will not bring you a cup of tea or coffee when you are alone and ill in bed. The internet will not call an ambulance when you need cardiac care, I know because I had to call them myself, on two different occasions.

    I have built up a new life for myself, not perhaps the one I might like, but who has everything they want in this life? I have made new friends, found new interests but the times I now find most difficult are when good things happen and I have no soulmate to share the stories with.

    I’ll end my rant by wishing you good health and that you never have to experience widowhood first hand.

  2. SchmidleysScribblins Says:

    Sometimes, I feel bereft in the middle of the night if I can’t hear David snoring. At his time of life he could be gone in a flash. I try not to dwell on it, but I would miss the old boy if anything happened to him. And yes, Scrabble is important too.

  3. DJan Says:

    My husband and I are in the process of writing our advance directives and it has led to many conversations about how we would carry on without the other. Only a few surprises now and then 🙂

  4. Olga Says:

    It is a new stage of life and I seek the lesson I was meant to learn. I have strong friendships and family support. I miss my husband but I thank him everyday for the life we shared and I know that I will not always be alone.

  5. Christine Says:

    The thing is at some point, we all have to keep these possiblities in mind. Hopefully if and when the time comes we can be strong.

  6. Musings Says:

    I really don’t like thinking about it. We’ve been together for 42 years. I have no idea how I’d cope.

  7. mmmm Says:

    My husband of 41 years the end of this may has been in my life since childhood, we are dear and loving soul mates, that is not to say we don’t spend time apart, we are vastly different people, he more of an introvert and I am an extrovert plus..I know he would carry on unhappily and probably find someone to love and be with but as for me, well I would be able to build a life, we talk about it all the time, he has a baby brother who constantly chooses inappropriate women to cherish who mistreat him, he is getting something out of the relationship but they abuse his life and soul..He always says well maybe next time,well to me it is ridiculous to spend one dadblasted minute he is 65 May 16 2015 with someone who is cruel greedy and violent, but he must have a woman in his life..He is like his mother was waited on a man for 56 years had NINE KIDS BY HIM, he never supported her and the kids and drank and caroused, what a waste of one’s life, just saying!

  8. DeniseinVA Says:

    It would be totally devastating losing a soul-mate. Having had several friends who have lost theirs, we take no day for granted because we see what they are going through. We won’t really know what they are going through until it happens to us, and I pray that day won’t happen for a very long time. In the meantime enjoy each day and treasure it because none of us know when that day will come.

  9. Jerry E. Beuterbaugh Says:

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  10. granny annie Says:

    I have been absent for a while and therefore your title scared me a bit. I thought David was already gone. You cope with the loss of a spouse but you never get over it.

  11. Sylvia Thompson Says:

    First of all, I hate the word WIDOW. It reminds me of a spider which I have a phobia against. It’s nasty and sounds sorrowfully downgraded.
    So, I say, as a wife of the Late and Great Pete Thompson, who passed on March 10th due to complications of Lymphoma Cancer, Edema, Blood Clot-filled Lungs, and a Weakened Heart, as well as the death of my 99 year old Mother (just 4 days after), Julia Chung who raised us all as well as her siblings, grandchildren and great-great grandchildren, I have a few things to say about the subject of dealing with death of a spouse.
    Of course life will never be TOTALLY the same, with the man you love by your side, but you both must start preparing for the inevitable. We had gone to a friend’s funeral, a writer and at one time he managing editor for the Honolulu Magazine. It was more a celebration of life than a funeral. John Heckathorn’s Photo was sitting in the middle front “stage” near to the pews with a mail lei draped around it. I can’t remember where Barbara, his wife was sitting. She may have been in the front with their daughters.
    There were 5 chosen Eulogizers who “remembered John” bringing up all the wonderful characteristics that we all remember him for. His booming laugh, his inquisitive mind, etc. straight from the halls and offices of the Honolulu Magazine. They told great stories but kept it short.
    Instead of expecting to go up and hug and mourn with Barbara, we were asked to meet outside to share some food and wine. She was outside of the church greeting people and hearing their stories too. Pete and I were very impressed and decided that’s they way we’d want our Celebration of Life to be. While he was in the hospital, he selected 5-6 meaningful speakers that he wanted to keep it within 5-7 minutes each, no more.
    In writing the Program, I started with so many ideas and so many words and whittled it down, so I could fit all the decades of our lives, and the highlights he shared with me when he got home. Many were so hilarious and hard to forget, that I put those in the Program. Just the act of writing all of those funny memories during serious events he was involved with, was really a catharsis for me. And then working on the Eulogy, I aimed it at the kids who loved their Uncle Pete. Again, I brought out all the Kolohe (meaning rascal in Hawaiian, pronounced KOH LOW HEY) things he did and titled it, “Uncle Pete, You Kolohe.”
    I sure miss him and never know when a fresh tear will cloud my eyes–sometimes when I’m driving, or at a jazz concert and hear a crying bass. Before Pete died, he said in his by-then raspy voice, “No Shoulda, Woulda, Couldas. Just move forward.” That was so generous of him to say that. I’m sure there’ll be more than enough guilty feelings that “I wish I hads…” could fill the rest of your life. But, just bring some facial tissue, and let the tears fall because you need to mourn. I find it helps to say to Pete, “I love you Pete,” in recognition of all he had prepared for me for when he was gone, even if he didn’t know it was going to be for me.
    And then pick yourself up and call a friend to meet you for lunch. There are many who call me also. So when they take me out, I reciprocate taking them to places I miss going to and don’t feel good yet about going there alone; my treat.
    It’s good to get out and about for a walk in the sun… the Vitamin D is great for your hormonal balance, energy and mood.
    So meet with David and see how he’d like to have his funeral or celebration and vice versa. Get your kids involved too.
    Take care Sis. Love you. Syl

  12. Bella Rose Says:

    I was widowed at 34 with four small children. The hardest part was telling my children and not being able to fix it; however, my children were the highlight of my life and kept me going. I can’t imagine it would be any easier to go through it again with my current husband who I believe is my soulmate. I think that’s why some couples die within a few months or years of each other.

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